Protecting a popular sport's top (hot) dog

Story originally posted at www.OnlineChester.com on Jul 05, 2007 - 23:45:41 EDT

Talking Sports
Travis Jenkins / Sports Editor

Is anything as sad as seeing an athlete cut down in his prime by injury?
Oh the bitter irony of having a competitor let down by the very body he has worked so long and hard to maintain.
The most recent case is not that of a running back with a bum knee or a pitcher with sore shoulder, though.
Takeru Kobayashi, the six-time defending champion of Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest, and the biggest star of the fledgling competitive eating world, nearly missed the chance to repeat as champion this year. Improperly aligned wisdom teeth and “overtraining” have left him with a painfully arthritic jaw. The man known as “The Tsunami” can only open up wide enough to fit two fingers in his mouth, which would make insertion of five dozen or so hot dogs in a 12-minute span completely out of the question.
For those not familiar, the hot dog eating contest features an array of competitors ramming as many wieners and buns down their gullets as possible. Before you decry this as being closer to gluttony than sport, keep in mind that the competitors “uneat” into a big bucket at the end of the proceedings, which I think removes it from the seven deadlies list.
Had Kobayashi missed Wednesday's competition it would have been tragic, since he finally had some real competition this year in the form of Joey Chestnut, who recently broke “The Tsunami's” world record by scarfing down 59.5 hot dogs. Having the two of them face off was much like the classic match race between Sea Biscuit and War Admiral, only with boiled pig parts and a chunder bucket...and no jockeys...or horsies...or physical activity of any kind.
Thankfully, Kobayashi played hurt and did participate in the contest, falling to Chestnut by three hot dogs, though both eclipsed existing world records by ingesting more than 60 each.
Still, the threat of losing one of its most recognizable gluttons, er athletes, would have been a death blow to competitive eating. Kobayashi is the Peyton Manning of pork parts, the Tiger Woods of wiener-woofing. Without him to stand as their shining example, fifth graders who mainline tater tots by the gross will just be pigs, instead of pigs with a real chance of one day over-eating on national television. The trail blazed by competitive eating pioneer Peter Dowdeswell (an Englishman who, in the 1960s, ate 20 large sausages in 30 seconds and once drank 90 pints of beer in three hours) will be devoid of new participants, most of whom would be to out of breath to blaze any actual trails.
We cannot allow this to happen. The catastrophe was averted this time, but what if, in the future, Kobayashi's jaw acts up again, or he gets stove up with the croup? I am offering an emergency contingency plan for consideration by the International Federation of Competitive Eating in hopes that Kobayashi, even if befallen by injury or indigestion, can continue to amaze the masses with his gastronomic greatness.
1. Use smaller wieners. If a full sized Nathan's pork projectile and big pillowy bun won't fit in Kobayashi's mouth, switch to something smaller, like a Vienna Sausage on a Saltine cracker, or a cocktail frank on a Nilla Wafer. It's still something that resembles a hot dog on a bread product, which protects the sanctity of the sport.
2. Liquefy. Look, a weenie and bun is still a weenie and bun, even if run through a blender. The contestants could just drink the stuff instead of eating it. They could even come up with a snappy new name for the contest like “The kielbasa keg stand”.
3. Wiener toss. This may be a bit of a reach, but maybe instead of eating the hot dogs contestants could fling them for distance. They would be like greasy little javelins.
4. Surrogate eaters. In NASCAR, an injured driver can drive one lap, pull over, have another drivers hop behind the wheel and finish the race for him, with the injured driver receiving all the points. Kobayashi could scarf down one of the porcine products, then be replaced by someone else bent on artery clogging.
Some will balk at these special rules, but for interest in competitive eating to continue growing at the same rate as it's participants' pants sizes, keeping the big names around is vital. With Kobayashi, hot dog eating is an event worth watching. Without him, it's just a bunch of bologna.

BELOW ARE THE COMMENTS WE HAD POSTED IN OUR OWN FORUM.
Editor wrote on Jul 8, 2007 1:01 PM:

" Thanks C.Q.
For your edification, while many of those commenting seem to think it was unfunny or didn't offer enough "data," this column is probably one of our best hit entries.
Ever.
I'm actually a little jealous.
If you are not a normal reader to this site, but came across this column, please post a comment on how you found it.
"

C.Q. wrote on Jul 7, 2007 8:48 AM:

" Well.. I thought it was funny... *thumbs up* "

Jacob wrote on Jul 6, 2007 9:51 PM:

" What humor? I'll gladly accept the "Lame" label if this article is really considered humorous. "

Editor wrote on Jul 6, 2007 7:02 PM:

" On behalf of my sports editor I will say:
1) Nathan's hot dogs are indeed beef, but they are not kosher. I was born in New York and have been eating them since I was a tyke.
2) The name is indeed Takeru. If we correct the misspelling on our Web site, we will, unfortunately, lose all these priceless comments.
3) The column is a humor piece and not meant to be a scientific dissertation presenting DATA. Sorry you didn't get the jokes, Lame.
4) I have a very open submission policy with my readers, Joe. Have your 10-year-old come see me, I'll try him out. I am NOT joking about that.
5) I don't know what Kobayashi's body fat percentage is, nor my sports editor's. Travis' is probably not all that much. Mine is probably (Travis plus Kobayashi) squared. It was, sir, a humor column. Please read it as such.
P.S. We thought people would be most worked up over the piece on consolidation. But no. Hot dog humor. "

Facts Straight wrote on Jul 6, 2007 5:41 PM:

" Kobayashi has six pack....most of the other eaters are in remarkably good shape too. I would bet that the writer of this story has a higher body fat percentage than any of the top five finishers. "

Joe wrote on Jul 6, 2007 5:39 PM:

" Yet another example of how easy it is to be a sports journalist...my 10 year old can write better drivel. "

Lame wrote on Jul 6, 2007 4:05 PM:

" This story is not interesting at all and provides inaccurate data regarding EVERYTHING. "

spellcheck wrote on Jul 6, 2007 3:06 PM:

" The man's name is Takeru not Tukera. "

Bill wrote on Jul 6, 2007 8:24 AM:

" Nathan's hot dogs are Kosher. They are made from beef, not pork.